September Madness - 2nd Round - PBR and High Life Regions

PABST BLUE RIBBON REGION
Underground Atlanta
Saturday, October 1

1) The Earl (East Atlanta) vs.
8) Birdi’s (Decatur)

Birdi’s is a neat little joint right on the Decatur Square. Unfortunately for them, they just have no answer for the rowdy bunch from Flat Shoals Ave. Has Mike Watt ever played a gig at Birdi’s? I think not. How about Drive-by Truckers? Nope. The Earl rolls to an easy victory as star Center, Dunch, puts up Wilt Chamberlain numbers with 60 points, 28 rebounds, 23 assists and 21 blocks.

Result: The Earl wins, 206 - 51

12) The Gravity Pub (East Atlanta) vs.
4) Fontaine’s Bar (Virginia-Highland)

Chaos ensued today as what was expected to be a cakewalk for 4th seeded Fontaine’s Bar turned out to be a real donnybrook. The Cinderella Squad from the Gravity refused to down easily. Starting Point Guard “$2 Jager Shots” and Sixth-Man “Bad-Ass Jukebox” combined for 80 points and forcing three overtimes in what ultimately turned out to be a losing effort. Fontaine’s team captain, “$4 for a Dozen Oysters on Wednesdays” had the following to say about their worthy adversary: “I gotta tip my hat to the Gravity. They put up one hell of a battle. $2 Jager is one sneaky son of a bitch. There’s no earthly reason why you should be able to get that fucked up on ten-spot.” The blame for the Pub’s loss is being pinned squarely on the shoulders of the starting center, “Dude Ranch”. “Too much fucking sausage in that joint”, $4 Oysters added, “If there had ever once been more than three girls in the Gravity at the same time, we might have been fucked in this one.” Dude Ranch was not available for comment after the game.

Result: Fontaine’s wins, 135 – 133 (3 OT)


6) Twisted Taco (Midtown) vs.
3) Six Feet Under (Grant Park)

On paper, this would not appear to be much of a game. Such a great vibe goes on at Six Feet Under, and whenever I’m at Twisted Taco, I’m amazed at how there can be so many people in one single place in such dire need of a savage beating. It smells like Axe Effect deodorant, Red Bull, and vomit. I swear to God, The Taco is the decline of the western civilization. The whole community of Grant Park is outraged today after the outcome of today’s contest. “Creepy Guy at the End of the Bar”, a seldom-used reserve for Twisted Taco, spiked Six Feet Under’s water cooler with a liberal dose of GHB, knocking out the entire roster before tipoff. The tactic, appalling by even WWE standards, somehow was not prohibited by the rule book.

Result: Twisted Taco wins by forfeit.

7) The Flat Iron (East Atlanta) vs.
2) Star Community Bar (Little Five Points)

Not much of a contest here. The Flat Iron is a respectable establishment, but they simply had no answer for the Star Bar’s one-two punch in the backcourt. Point Guard “Bubbapalooza” put up a triple-double, and Shooting Guard “Drunk Co-eds on Tuesday Nights” lit up The Flat’s overmatched defense for 39 points shooting a perfect 15-15 from the floor.

Result: Star Bar wins, 104 - 71


MILLER HIGH LIFE REGION
Bankhead MARTA Station
Saturday, October 1

1) The Local (Poncey-Highland) vs.
9) Midtown Tavern (Old 4th Ward)

The Local rolled on to another easy victory. Midtown Tavern fought admirably, but proved to be no match for the Powerhouse of Ponce. The Local’s Small Forward, Tater Tots, lit up the competition for 50 points. Identity Crisis, believed to be the best defender on the Tavern’s squad, drew the unfortunate task of having to guard Tots, and seemed helpless as he watched his adversary jack up countless three-point attempts, nearly all of them going in uncontested. When asked about his performance after the game, Tots said, “Those sorry-ass bitches got what they deserved. They call themselves Midtown Tavern, but the shit’s located in Old Fourth Ward, man. Look, it don’t take a genius to figure out that Midtown starts at Ponce, and not before. We’re not splitting hairs here, this shit’s pretty cut and dry.”

Result: The Local Wins, 112 - 59

5) Blind Willie’s (Virginia-Highland) vs.
4) Atkins Park (Virginia-Highland)

Blind Willie’s pulled off the slight upset today, as their neighborhood counterpart simply could not defend Blind Willie’s star Power Forward, “Take Your Date Here and You Will Probably Get Laid”. The big man was unstoppable this afternoon, scoring 55 points, hauling in 15 rebounds, and adding 9 assists.

Result: Blind Willie’s wins, 88 - 72

11) North Highland Pub (Inman Park) vs.
3) Smith’s Olde Bar (Midtown)

Smith’s disposed of the North Highland Pub in conservative fashion today. They used every available second of the shot clock, were efficient with each possession of the ball, and shot over 65 % from the floor. This outcome was never in question, as Smith’s scored on the first possession of the game and never surrendered the lead. Smith’s used its superior depth to wear down its opponent and pull away in the end. Reserve swingman “Ample Free Parking is Hard to Find Anywhere Else in Midtown” led the squad in scoring with 18 points, and added 6 assists to help defeat the underdog from Inman Park.

Result: Smith’s Olde Bar wins, 65 - 53

7) The Highlander (Midtown) vs.
2) Park Tavern (Midtown)

Many of the gambling experts in Vegas had picked The Highlander as this weekend’s upset special, but alas, it was not to be. The Park Tavern proved that it was not overrated, beating its Midtown neighbor handily. The Highlander could not find a way to solve The Tavern’s three-guard attack, featuring “$1 drafts when it rains”, “There are always tons of hot chicks here”, and “Huge-Ass Patio Overlooking the Park”. The trio combined to score 65 points, and did not commit a single turnover.

Result: Park Tavern wins, 93 - 71